The Very First Progressive Douchebag was a Caveman

“I’m the king, you douchebags!” shouted the king. “I’m the son of the king of the gods, Nozzle the mighty.”

“Yes my lord,” the cavemen and women groveled.

“I’m King Teabagger the mighty! My legs are mighty as a bull’s. My arms are as strong as 18 inch pythons. My club is as heavy as an oak; whatever it hits it shatters.”

“Yes my lord,” the cavemen and women groveled.

“We are going to ban private property. So you will place all your property in my care, and I will give it back to you. Then we will share the means of production and everyone will work according to their ability and will take what they need. Now get up and take your things and go plant Bob’s corn.”

Bob grunted, “Ugh, what?”

The king replied, “Bob, your corn is the best we have. The collective needs what only you can provide. So we’re all going to use your corn.”

“But, I was going to plant all that corn,” said Bob. “What corn will I plant now?”

The king’s face grew black with wrath. He struck Bob with his club. Bob fell and was still.

“You will fertilize the corn, Bob!” He turned to the rest of the people. “Bury his limbs and body in the fields and bring me the head. I will set it above the door to my… headquarters. Hehe I like that. Let that be a lesson! Do not question your betters! You are all equal. None of you shall obtain unfair advantages over the rest. If you try, I, King Teabagger, the fruit of Nozzle’s loins, will take it away and make you equal again.”

Within a year, the king had allocated 3/4 of all the corn to ethanol production for his racecar. The other 1/4 of the corn had to be saved for next year’s seed corn, leaving no corn to eat. The people were ordered to eat corn straw, bark, grass, and whatever they could hunt for. The people learned to hate and distrust the king, and they learned to hide what they still had. Of course they were not allowed to hunt in the nearby woods, because that was the king’s private hunting ground. He would go hunting, would bring back a big animal, and invite all to a feast he hosted at his headquarters. Those who transgressed were treated similarly to Bob, and several skulls decorated King Teabagger’s doorway.

Within ten years, one in four people had starved. The rest asked the king to save them. In his kindness, he said he would save them. But first he required them to place themselves in slavery. They were already dependent on him for everything, so it was not a stretch. They were serfs. He was the king. And his picked fighting men were the nobility.

By imposing equality of results, the king created a populace of slaves ruled over by his picked nobility, who answered to him alone.

The promise of equality without the right to private property and private ownership of the means of production is a lie. It is always a lie. It will always be a lie. It will always devolve to enslavement by the ruler who decides who gets to use the means of production, and who enforces equality.

Progressivism, which is anti-capitalist, anti-private property, and believes in equality of results, will always lead to slavery, misery, and death.