Census Cats

And now for the Cheech and Chong routine about the census cats:.. Only, Cheech has been under the weather and filling in for him is President Obama, who accepted this bullshit gig because he doesn't get enough positive mentions in the press.

Obama: [knock knock]

Chong: Yeah, man, what the fuck? I mean who in hell are you?

Obama: Sir, Uh, I've been trying to find out who lives, uh, in that house across the street. Nobody, uh, nobody answers.

Chong: Yeah man, that's a funny place, man. Why the fuck are you calling me Sir, Mister Preside... oh fuck I fucked that up. Shit. [pause] Hey, you got a light?

Obama: Uh, no.

Chong: Just a hemidemisemiquaver then, man, Ima go grab a light offa the stove.

Obama: Uh. That's okay then.

[a very long wait]

Chong: Man, that electric stove really sucks as a lighter man. Doesn't light a cancer stick worth a tinker's damn. I had to hold my cig against the eye for like five minutes. And then I had to smoke a bong cuz I can't believe the fucking President is at my front door. Man, this is some crazy shit or I been smoking some crazier shit!

Obama: Uh. So... about the house across the street.

Chong: Yeah, man, what a bunch of crazy cats over there man. They keep crazy hours and shit man. Must be fifteen or twenty of them.

Obama: Fifteen or twenty? Is that one family?

Chong: Yeah, man, it's like an extended family and shit with grandparents and parents and little kitties, man.

Obama: Grandparents, and parents, uh, and little kiddies?

Chong: Yeah, man, those are some crazy cats over there. You ought to hear their music, man. Like something Yoko Ono would sing in space, if there was sound in space. Which there isn't.


Obama: Fifteen, uh, are you sure about that fifteen?

Chong: Yeah, man, fifteen easy. [whispers] Say, are you high too? You saying "uh" a lot like you're stoned or something, man.

Obama: [frowns] Thank you sir, that's what I needed to know. You have done a great service to the census and the correct distribution of federal funds.

Cheech: Okay, laterz, man. ... Man what a funny dude, man. Why does the census care about an empty house full of cats and shit?

Obama: [furious, into Blackberry] Timmy? I want you to send your nastiest IRS motherfuckers out and crawl up this guy's asshole and audit him back to the day he was born, and his parents to the day they were born, and back through the generations until the fall of the Roman Empire in Istanbul. Find some fucking dirt on him. Oh, and send $15 million in stimulus money to the poor family of artists across the street.