23 September 2010

Frankenfish Feast for the Fraidy-Cats

Genetic scientists have engineered a breed of salmon that grows twice as fast and can be twice as large as salmon in the wild. It has been dubbed by the media as a "Frankenfish", a play on the organic foods community purjorative "Frankenfood".

An article by Marion Nestle in the Atlantic sums up the generic opposition to Genetically Modified foods:

Of course the public does not trust genetically modified foods. The foods are not labeled. If the biotech industry and the FDA want the public to trust them, they need to label the GM salmon and all the other GM foods in the marketplace.

The public wants the right to choose. The public should have the right to choose. The issue of GM foods cannot just be about safety. My mantra on this one: Even if genetically modified foods are safe, they are not necessarily acceptable.

Before I get to the issue of people's aversion to GM foods, I just want to say that when I find the individual who coined the term "Frankenfood" as a purjorative for these foods, I'm going to beat him with a sack of doorknobs and then force him to watch every episode of "Greg the Bunny" until he scoops out his eyes with a celophane tape dispenser. Frankenstein reanimated dead tissue. If a scientist developed a method of bringing dead grain and other food plants back to life after they had died, a person would have to be completely out of their gourd to oppose it. Said person should be sterilized immediately. Preferably with a rusty fork.

Doctor Moreau was the geneticist (at least, as close as H.G. Wells could conceive of it). But since Boris Karloff never played the Hyena-Swine creature on film and no one went to see the adaptation with Marlon Brando and Val Kilmer, people use the "Franken" term. It speaks to the ignorance of the individuals who both generated and continue to use the term.

Actually, considering the Freshman Senator from Minnesota, the "Franken" term may be apt. I mean, the guy just has to be an escaped genetic experiment gone horribly, horribly wrong. There's simply no other explanation for it.The psychotic aversion to genetically modified foods by some has festered into a hatred far out-distancing any held by a Klansman, Third Reich operative or Democrat Party strategist (but I repeat myself). Rather than being content in themselves to simply eat foods certified as not being genetically modified, these circus side-show rejects insist that nobody should ever risk being exposed to possible contamination from italicized words or genetically modified foods. It's as if these people think that Resident Evil was a real event and actually filmed in a greenhouse.

No scientific study outside the organichippie foods industry has ever shown genetically modified foods to be harmful. There's more danger from eating tofu seventeen meals per week, taking the massive injection of estrogen into your system; the lack of animal protein starving your brain of desperately-needed nutrients that our genetic makeup requires for proper neurological development.

Speaking of hippie foods, why do these organic food eating vegan hippie retard pull-out-method-failure protazoa-dicks care about genetically modified salmon? Perhaps, in their diminished capacity resulting from not having the genetically required animal protein for advanced brain development, their thinking process seems somehow logical to them. "I'd never eat an animal and don't think anyone ever should, but only non-genetically modified salmon should be on anyone's dinner table!"

Stop trying to think, mouth breather. You might hurt yourself.

Of course, that's the extreme case. There are people who aren't vegan who oppose genetically modified food. These people need to be given a free one-way ticket to Mogadishu so they can experience a world without genetically modified foods. Not because Somalis turn down GM foods, of course. "No, I'm sorry, Mr. Peacekeeper Man, but you must take this rice away. It does not have a 'No GM seed' stamp on it. My family and I choose to starve rather than accept the product of a successful genetic experiment."

Um... Yeah, that seems likely.

Reality check: Almost all foods we have today were genetically modified through selective breeding. There is no place on Earth without genetically modified foods. The only way to go without genetically modified foods is to not eat. Or, y'know, eat pond scum.

In just 500 years, corn (or maize to you liberal veggie-loving brain dysfunctional types) has more than doubled the size of the cobb and tripled the mass of the individual grain. Tomatoes are larger, juicier and more resistant to disease than when they were first cultivated. Cucumbers are larger (and are increasingly enjoyed by lesbians, fat chicks and Barney Frank). Cows have grown in size and calmed in demeanor since being domesticated, while sheep are increasingly more attracitve and compliant in sub-dom relationships. Banana trees grow bigger fruit clusters and produce larger fruit (intimidating even the most virile vegan men). All by genetic manipulation. Much of it done for thousands of years by simple farmers who wouldn't have known a DNA strand from my Uncle Herb's ass hair.

Somehow, this type of genetic modification is okay to the religious leaders of the Church of Organic Foods. As long as it takes place slowly and over many generations, it's invisible to them. Maybe since they can't see it or feel it, it's like it's not there. Maybe Medicaid should take the same viewpoint when these tofu-swilling morons end up with prostate cancer.


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8 comments:

Anonymous,  September 23, 2010 at 6:13:00 PM EDT  

obviously you don't know the difference between genetic modification and plant breeding. If they opened you up and introduced elephant genes and you grew a big elephant trunk and feet would you still be 100% human? No. If you bred with another human of a different ethnicity you would make another human- maybe just another color.

Anonymous #2,  September 24, 2010 at 10:43:00 PM EDT  

I don't know what problem Anonymous has with introducing elephant genes into corn. I personally would love to eat corn that has elephant ears to shade the rows in between the corn so I can walk down them and not get a sunburn. That would be so cool. Also cool would be if when I ate the corn I grew a baby elephant's trunk in my shorts if you know what I mean. All in all, the outlook for elephant hybrid corn, let alone Jurassic Park in your fricking backyard, rocks it with its elephant trunk sized cock out!

Cody_K,  September 24, 2010 at 10:47:00 PM EDT  

In the brave new world you with all your cybernetic enhancements and moreau-meals are not going to be living the sustainable lifestyle. I hope you die when you run out of oil to lubricate your joints, Tin Man.

Cameltoad September 24, 2010 at 11:31:00 PM EDT  

Are you serious @Shoq ummm, I mean "Cody K"?
Got your "sustainable lifestyle" hanging, putz.
BTW, when your "Brave New World" comes to fruition, we'll take YOUR food and make you cook it FOR us.
Muhahaha
"Tin Man" I understand is the pet name you gave your favorite sex toy.

Aunt Flo September 24, 2010 at 11:40:00 PM EDT  

hey Camel-K....I know your game, why don't you tell us your Real name?

Cameltoad September 24, 2010 at 11:49:00 PM EDT  

When I was younger I was Tad Pole, but I outgrew that phase.

Meatwad September 24, 2010 at 11:53:00 PM EDT  

I thought @CodyK's favorite sex toy was a goat or was that a donkey. HMMMMM Inquiring Minds want to know.

Cody_K,  September 25, 2010 at 12:00:00 AM EDT  

I may like to play with donkeys but at least I don't play with elephants you pervert! Donkeys have pleasant breath and don't hog all the covers like other herbivores do. In fact, they are surprisingly thoughtful lovers, and always bring flowers at the most charming times.

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