03 December 2009

Tiger Jokes: Tiger Woods practiced with his putz on some easy holes

Time for the Tiger Woods jokes. Yes, we have had fun with Tiger Woods' douche-baggery. Now it's time for jokes!

But first, enjoy the Aunt Flo masterpiece to the right and look for my photo-mashup at the bottom. Waillaway Clubs just cracks me up! Tiger too, apparently...

Here are the jokes... all the jokes I found on the Internet that were funny... ALL 83 different jokes that were funny, even a few that are closely related to each other, plus one I made up (it's the title joke).

  1. Ignoring legal advice, Tiger Woods is finally revealing the reason for his car accident early last Friday morning: “I’m embarrassed to admit this, but, yes, I was speeding…but only to the mall to be first in line for the Black Friday sales, or, in my case, the Half-Black Friday sales.”

  2. Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.

  3. Ping just offered Tiger Woods' wife an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They'll be named Elin Woods…”the clubs you can beat Tiger with.”

  4. News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods’ crash. They are calling it “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.”

  5. Maybe Tiger Woods could have prevented his troubles with his pretty blonde wife if he'd just had a little OJ that morning!

  6. Tiger Woods had some lacerations on his lip when he crashed his car the day after Thanksgiving... He claimed it's self-inflicted and normal for golfers.. stating, "I always make cuts on Friday"..

  7. Even though he's at the top of his game, Tiger's still working on his schwing.

  8. Tiger Woods Syndrome: Too many strokes with his putz.

  9. Tiger crashed his car because he was in a rush to move on to the second hole.

  10. It’s not often that Tiger Woods starts out with a bad drive, hits a water hazard, and ends up in the trees.

  11. It’s the first time Tiger’s driven less then 250 yards.

  12. What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.

  13. Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. Apparently he couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

  14. He stated that his Escalade became uncontrollable and crashed into the fire hydrant and tree. Once again, a golfer blames his troubles on his Caddy.

  15. Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

  16. Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

  17. Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

  18. Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he's ever had. So Gillette dropped his contract.

  19. After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree

  20. What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

  21. Elin found out he’s not a Tiger, he’s a Cheetah.

  22. Tiger just hates it when he drives, and then his balls hit a tree.

  23. Elin Nordegren got hired today as a consultant. She’s teaching Phil Mickelson how to beat Tiger.

  24. Tiger’s confused. Every other time he made a hole-in-one, everyone was all happy about it.

  25. Tiger’s car still runs, but it goes “putt, putt, putt…”

  26. What do baby seals and Tiger Woods have in common? Both were clubbed by a Scandanavian.

  27. Tiger Woods is tree under.

  28. One of Jimmy Kimmel's jokes from last night: "The tabloids are chock full of stories about Tiger Woods and various women. He wrote on his Web site today that he was guilty of 'transgressions' - which is a classy way of saying some of his foursomes were actually threesomes."

  29. One of Jay Leno's many Tiger jokes from last night:"This Tiger Woods thing is having an effect on a lot of people. In fact, earlier today, Elizabeth Edwards went out and bought a new set of golf clubs. I didn't even know that she played."

  30. George Lopez and Wanda Sykes have both made the same racist joke about Tiger's crash.
    • Wanda's version is "The black man in Tiger bought the Escalade and the asian man in him can't drive it."
    • George's version is "Tiger Woods black half bought the Escalade and his asian half wrecked it."

  31. What did Tiger Woods' wife do with the leftover turkey from Thanksgiving dinner? She made him a club sandwich.

  32. With a swing like that, maybe Elin needs to play the PGA tour...

  33. Tiger's Attorneys issued the following statement: "Mr. Woods would like to take a mulligan."

  34. Elin was heard screaming in front of her's and Tiger's house at 2:45AM. "Four! What do you mean four!? I only took three swings!"

  35. Apparently, the police asked Tiger’s wife how many times she hit him. She said, “I don’t know exactly, but put me down for a 4.”

  36. If the only person that can beat Tiger is a blonde with big breasts, it’s time for Phil Mickelson to bleach his hair.

  37. Why did Phil Mickelson call Elin yesterday? To pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.

  38. What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he knows.

  39. Tiger drives very well on the fairway but doesn’t fare very well on the driveway.

  40. Nike wants to drop their endorsement due to accuracy problems. Apparently, Tiger’s spraying his balls everywhere.

  41. It turns out that fixing Tiger’s game and fixing his marriage both require the same thing: better control over his putz. 

  42. Why was Tiger’s wife mad at him? She heard that he played around in Australia.

  43. What will the headline be if they prove it is domestic violence? TIGER’S WIFE MAKES THE CUT

  44. Given Tiger’s racial heritage can we call this a Black Thai affair?

  45. Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family. Cheetah.

  46. Elin Woods has a twin sister named Josephine. Know how to tell them apart? Elin is the one holding the bent 9 iron.

  47. What do Tiger and the Beatles have in common? They both experienced a hit with Norwegian Wood.

  48. First words spoken to the paramedics by Tiger: Who are you? And what are all these trees doing in my living room?

  49. Tiger Wood’s shirt is all red- problem is, there’s no tournament, and his veins are a pint low.

  50. New Nike motto: Just do them.

  51. I finally out-drove Tiger Woods.

  52. it’s really not that surprising. everyone knows driving is the worst part of his game.

  53. Tiger Woods just announced that he is enrolling in Chris Brown’s school of self-defense.

  54. He should have used a driver …

  55. What do a golf ball and an SUV have in common? Tiger Woods drives both into trees on occasion.

  56. What’s the difference between Tiger’s Cadillac and his pitching wedge? He can back up his pitching wedge!

  57. Steve Williams is worried. He heard Tiger’s getting a new Caddy.

  58. I understand Tiger was trying to decide which new product to pitch, Budweiser or Coors. His mistake was taking them out for a test drive.

  59. Introducing the 2010 Cadillac Escalade TW Edition: fire hydrant hood ornament and 7-iron come as standard options.

  60. I don’t know what set Elin Woods off… All Tiger said was “Rachel has a much a tighter grip.”

  61. Q – What are two differences between Tiger Woods and the Chicago Bears? A – #1: Tiger Woods took a worse beating last weekend. #2: The Rams ARE playing next weekend.

  62. I hear Tiger Woods' wife Elin is pregnant again. Tiger had another accident while trying to pull out.

  63. I hear that Mizuno is coming out with a new set of “Rescue” clubs called The Tiger Slayer Edition signed by Elin Nordegrin. Don’t mess with a Viking holding onto a club.

  64. Obama just had a last minute change…instead of 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan, now sending only 10,000, plus Mrs. Woods and a plane-load of 9-irons.

  65. President Obama is looking for an exit strategy from Afghanistan. He should interview Tiger about his exit strategy from interviews by the cops.

  66. Tiger Woods announced today that he would sit out from golf the rest of the year in order to heal from injuries received in a recent accident. Rumor has it that his wife Elin will be swinging the clubs in his place.

  67. What really got Elin teed off was Tiger’s unplayable lie.

  68. Lately Tiger's putz have has been all over the place.

  69. Tiger’s wife isn’t too disappointed. Not only will she collect a lot of money, but she claims that sex with Tiger was below par... he always shot that hole in less than 4 strokes!

  70. One more thing…..is there any truth to the rumor that Jaimee Grubbs belongs to the Audubon Society? She’s reported to have seen an extremely rare woods-pecker upwards of 20 times.

  71. A couple were on their honeymoon, laying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I`m not a virgin.”

    The husband replies, “That`s no big thing in this day and age.”

    The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one other guy.”

    “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”

    “Tiger Woods.”

    “Tiger Woods, the golfer?”


    “Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”

    The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

    “What are you doing?” says the wife.

    “I`m hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food.”

    “Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

    “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

    “He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”

    The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes Over to the phone.

    “What are you doing now?” she says.

    “I`m still hungry so I was going to ring room service and order some food.”

    “Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

    “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

    “He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”

    The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

    The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

    “No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole!”

  72. Tiger is now wearing a new aftershave Called “Swedish Iron” it's strong and can rearrange your facial features.

  73. When Tiger quits Golf he is starting up a new career “Driving Instructor Crash Survival”

  74. Tiger Woods won't be playing any more tournaments this year. However,I'm sure he will sneak in a few holes here and there.

  75. Tiger Woods complained after being fined $174 for his accident Friday morning, saying that normally for driving into a water hazard and hitting a tree he should only receive one penalty stroke.

  76. What does Tiger Woods and Levi Johnston have in common??? They both have trouble pulling out.

  77. The shortest drive of Tiger's career.

  78. Even the great ones get stuck in the trees from time to time. Ironically, it was his wife who was tee-ing off.

    It's not all bad news though... Tiger's wife has been asked to play the T-1000 in the new Terminator movie. It's called "Terminator: Fore"

  79. Hey, maybe Tiger Woods isn't all that great a golfer. Seems like he spends a lot of time getting caught in the bushes.

  80. When asked about what he had seen, Tiger's neighbor said: All I know is that I ain't seen anybody swing a golf club that hard with a running start since Happy Gilmore!

  81. Tiger Wood's wife Elin Nordegren agreed to appear on " Larry King Live " to apologize for the brutal beating she gave her husband last week . She told Larry, "You know, under this blonde hair, white skin, and make-up, I'm really just another Chris Brown ."

  82. Tiger's wife really got pissed at his lame excuse. He said: "Honey, I'm a golf pro. That means, every day, I need to play a round."

    and finally, the easy one I made up

  83. Apparently Tiger has been practicing with his putz on some easy holes.

  84. UPDATE 12/4/09
  85. Why did Tiger leave the house so early? He had a 2:30 tree time.

  86. What do a Cadillac SUV and a Nike golf ball have in common? Tiger Woods can drive them both into the trees.

  87. What does Tiger Woods have in common with skunks and moles?. They all like to eat Grubbs.

  88. Jack Nicklaus commented: "I repeat, he plays a game with which I am unfamiliar."

  89. Did you hear that Tiger Woods is going to quit golf to play pro Hockey? Yeah, because for the rest of his life he will be giving out checks.

  90. What was the first thing Tiger said to his wife after putting the Escalade into a Tree? "Can I improve my lie?"

  91. Did you hear that Cadillac has dropped Tiger as a sponsor? Not to worry though... Hummer is very interested!

  92. In breaking news, Trojan Condoms is in serious negotiations with Accenture to license their advertising catchphrase "Go on. Be a Tiger".

  93. Did you hear Tiger Woods is dating the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders? He told his wife he was off to squeeze in a quick 18 holes.

  94. What's black and white and red all over? Tiger at 3AM.

  95. EA is adding a new feature to EA Tiger Woods. Now not only do you keep score on the course, but also off the course.

  96. Should Tiger Woods be playing the Hooters Tour?

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Cheetah,  December 3, 2009 at 5:47:00 PM EST  

You think that's funny? You try taking a 9-iron to the orbital socket, wise-guy!

Anonymous,  December 4, 2009 at 2:14:00 PM EST  

Come Clean. "Aunt Flo" did NOT do the Tiger graphic above.

Blago Bloggo,  December 4, 2009 at 6:18:00 PM EST  

And the No Prize goes out to commenter Anonymous who gave a very important clarification. Aunt Flo and I both modified the Tiger graphic that was widely emailed as Tiger's Thanksgiving Card.

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Why pick on Progressives?

Progressives are neo-barbarian, luddite fools who want to replace all scientific progress with their failed, pseudo-scientific, utopian fairy tale and take us back to the paleolithic period. In other words they are douchebags.

Q: Do you have a problem with Progressive Insurance?

We don't have a problem with their insurance product. But the company is also a major giver of money to politically progressive causes, and because of that the owners and managers are total douchebags.

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