21 September 2009

A Rolling Stone Gathers mo Douchebags

Rolling Stone Magazine, that most even keeled of all the myriad magazines that are rock and roll magazines (notice how that doesn't really say much good about RS?), is reviewing the fall rock and roll releases. Rock and roll musicians, especially the stars, are so freaking lucky and make so much money at such a young age, and get laid so easily without ever making a commitment, that they have no connection whatsoever to the reality that normal people live in. In their experience it is possible to live in a fantasy-world. In the lives of most people who have failed at a few things and had to work their asses off before they succeed, rejecting fantasy logic and coming to an accommodation with reality is a crucial step before they can succeed on their own merit. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to detect the douchebags in the list. There are none as obvious as Led Zeppelin with their shark dildo or Neil Young insulting everyone south of the Mason Dixon line. Turn on your bullshit and douchebag detectors and let's tiptoe through the tulips.

Artist: Pearl Jam
Album: Backspacer
Douchebaggery: Is Eddie Vedder a douchebag? Yes. For one thing, he doesn't sing. He mumbles. It takes a mind-reader to understand his lyrics. His lyrics are even more obscure than Michael Stipe's. And he also likes commies better than the producers who make the manufacturing, mining, and farming profits that eventually work through the economy and pay for his albums. That's why he's a progressive douchebag.

Artist: Mariah Carey
Album: Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel
Douchebaggery: I don't think she's a douchebag. She is a wacko.

Artist: Yoko Ono and the Plastic Ono Band
Album: Between my Head and the Sky
Douchebaggery: Are you fricking kidding me? Total douchebag! Who broke up the Beatles again? She is the platonic ideal of douchebag.

Artist: Paramore
Album: Brand New Eyes
Douchebaggery: Not douchebags as far as I know.

Artist: Monsters of Folk
Album: Monsters of Folk
Douchebaggery: Supposedly a supergroup. RS calls them a group of troubadors. Those are always bad signs when it comes to douchebaggery.

Artist: Ghostface Killah
Album: Ghostdini, Wizard of Poetry in Emerald City
Douchebaggery: Check the name of the album. He's a Wacko! But then I knew that even back in Wu Tang days.

Artist: Avett Brothers
Album: I and Love and You
Douchebaggery: How can banjo players be douchebags when the banjo is the least glamorous instrument this side of the bagpipes?

Artist: Nelly Furtado
Album: Mi Plan
Douchebaggery: It's in fricking Spanish! Douchebag!

Artist: Alice in Chains
Album: Black Gives way to Blue
Douchebaggery: RIP Layne Staley. The remaining douchebags are dancing on your heroin soaked grave. Who is a bigger douchebag: The smack addict who throws away success and the culmination of a lifetime of dreams and hard work for a needle full of forgetfulness; or the supporting musicians who have to keep the memory of the old band going after the magic is gone? I could say the same thing for Mother Love Bone vis a vis Pearl Jam.

Artist: Sean Kingston
Album: Tomorrow
Douchebaggery: He's a kid. He's a rapper. He is in with all the "cool" douchebag rappers. Though poised for douchedom I got no idea if he's there already.

Artist: Miranda Lambert
Album: Revolution
Douchebaggery: She has a song about shooting a radio full of bullets. Isn't that what Elvis did, except he did it to a TV? Copycat douchebaggery.

And here I'm calling it a wrap. Mostly I'm stopping because I like Kris Kristofferson and don't want to pronounce him a douchebag. Even should he be one.

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Why pick on Progressives?

Progressives are neo-barbarian, luddite fools who want to replace all scientific progress with their failed, pseudo-scientific, utopian fairy tale and take us back to the paleolithic period. In other words they are douchebags.

Q: Do you have a problem with Progressive Insurance?

We don't have a problem with their insurance product. But the company is also a major giver of money to politically progressive causes, and because of that the owners and managers are total douchebags.

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