Do not have sex with Kate White

In what is clearly an idea whose time has come, Kate White, who whines endlessly about "Relationship Angst", started a new series about why you, yes you, should not have sex with her. For some reason, she complains all the way through the column about how some guy who stuck his videos up on YouTube is a douchebag. I guess she is trying to give you, the reader, the full Kate White sexperience, complete with being called a douchebag for leaving the toilet seat up. You know, Kate, I got the idea. You are right. No one in his right mind should have sex with you.

Next up, Maureen Dowd. No one should have sex with her either. But while she is a (bottle?) redhead, just like Kate White, she may not be smart enough to realize that she should write a column about how any beer-goggled horndog who shags her will soon be listening to his purple headed, throbbing love katana begging to be chopped off and thrown in a gasoline fire before once again being tortured within the loins of Dowd. But, as any sensible reader will no doubt agree, that is in fact what any self-respecting tallywhacker would do.